Changing focus – How helping others can ease depression
As people who suffer from pain and depression, we know exactly what doesn’t help us feel better. It doesn’t help for people to throw platitudes at us. It doesn’t help for people to say “call if you need me!”, because we’re never going to call. It definitely doesn’t help when people tell us that if we take our meds, everything will be fine and happy. We know what doesn’t work, but especially in the throes of a depressive episode, or a flare of pain, we certainly don’t know what does work.
What really works?
For the last nine years, I’ve suffered from crippling depression. For the last six, pain has been mixed with it. Muscle aches, inflammation, stabbing pain, you name it, I’ve probably felt it. When my pain flares, my depression coalesces into a numbing, terrifying mix of feelings that culminate in predictable suicidal thoughts. During those times, I’m fully inside of myself, living inside the pain, at the bottom of a well, and the walls are made of some slippery stuff. I feel as if I’m never going to climb my way out.
For all of the articles I’ve read, people I’ve talked to, and praying I’ve done to help myself out of that well, the activity that has helped the most has been, to me, the most unlikely. When I’m hurting and in need, I always thought that of course I should focus on my own well-being and how to heal myself. Me, me, me.
Look around
Because I never bothered to look around, literally or figuratively, I didn’t see the other people in the well with me. It always feels like you’re alone in there (ask any depression sufferer). I didn’t realize that they were there next to me, also were looking up, desperate to find a way out and seeing no hand holds. There was sunshine at the top, but inside, only darkness.
When I felt that I had tried everything I could to help myself feel better (and boy did I try hundreds of things), I finally realized that the help I needed wasn’t going to be had by thinking about me and my problems.
Start small
It started small. I began to smile at people in the grocery store. I’d pick and choose people who looked sad. It made me feel wonderful to see their faces light up. I expanded it a little to smiling at everyone in the grocery store. Then I added little compliments “You have a great smile!” or “You are rockin’ those shoes!” Next, I added little actions like helping people carry things, or putting away their cart. Again, the smiles that followed me were amazing. When I’d peek back at them, I’d see a little lift in their step. I could actually see the lightness in their hearts.
For the first time, I began to feel connected to other people. As an introvert, I usually feel a disconnect from the world, as if I’m in it, but not part of it. Just by doing these tiny acts of service, I started feeling like I mattered. Depression is awesome at convincing you that no one cares if you live or die. You are rock-solid-sure that no one wants to receive your phone call or visit with you. That just isn’t true, though.
You have value
Within your community – your work, church, hobbies, meetings, family, and friends, you have a role. You fulfill a need. Anyone who serves people will tell you that they gain fulfillment from their service more than anything else that they do.
For me, because I have pain, my contributions are small. Smiles, little bits of help. I’ve also begun reaching out daily to a friend or family member by sending them notes or saying that I’m thinking about them. Figure out how you can help, even if it’s in tiny ways. Those little things ripple out to big things. You make a difference to people. You matter.
If you have a talent such as sewing, sew a little blanket and send it anonymously to a friend. If you can bake, bake a pie and show up on someone’s door step. If your gift is time, spend it with people in an elderly care home. If you can do nothing else, call someone and just listen with your whole heart. Every single person has gifts they can use to reach out. If you think on it a little, I’m sure you will remember yours.
When you are at the bottom of the well, take the hand of the person next to you and help them up. They’ll help the next person, and they’ll help the next. We can all help each other up, and out. By helping each other, we heal ourselves.
Love and happiness to you!
Steady As We Grow 